I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
