can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
