There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Those nachos came to me in a dream
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
