I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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