you will always have a special place in my vag
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
