genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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