TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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