I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
