You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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