I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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