Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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