just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
