Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
