You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
