So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
