So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
