Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
