just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
