If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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