I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
