so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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