i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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