Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
