I accidentally had phone sex last night
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
