my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
