Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
