checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
