so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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