Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
