a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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