totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
