I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
