you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
