I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
