I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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