So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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