how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
