It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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