she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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