the condom got lost in my hair
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
MIDGETS
????
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
