Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
