She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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