Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
