life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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