I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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