my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
