Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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