Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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