There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
