Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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