Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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