If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
