i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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