you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
