it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
